Love this beautiful smile!

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Today I am NOT a Good Mom

How does a mother absolutely hate being a mother? Well, today I am understanding of it I suppose.

My daughter made me cry. No, not cry, bawl. I bawled like a baby.

How? Pretty simple. She is a toddler and she is pushing buttons. She was in the bath and I asked her to quit squealing because her uncle is sleeping. So she proceeded to squeal louder.

Now, when it comes to spanking I am not against it. But I don't think it's fair to just hit whenever she's bad. I also feel like spanking has happened a lot more since her dad got home because she has been REALLY bad. We're talking 3 going on 13 bad. This makes me feel super guilty because I know she has a lot of changes going on in her little life. Some of these emotions she's expressing are only natural to what she's going through. So in a sense, it's unfair, but it's also justified because she'll be with us and not her grandparents. Maybe it's not justified... I don't know.

So rather than feel guilty, after she didn't listen to me for the 5th or 6th time, I broke down crying and walked away. I didn't want to spank her. She is just a kid. However, I am at my breaking point. How and what do I do to make her respect me?

I hate that lovey dovey, stuff.... "honey, that hurt mom's feelings because...." and then you proceed to explain why you're upset. She doesn't listen to that. She mocks me when I "explain" why things hurt my feelings. And she only does the bad deed eight more times because she KNOWS it pisses me off. I really try not to react to her, but being pregnant, emotional, tired and at the moment, sick, I am just unable to not have some sort of emotion. I have tried my damnedest to be a patient mother, but lately I can't be.

So today I hate being a mother. Today I wish I could run away and not come back. Today I wish I wasn't bringing another baby into this world that I could potentially be frustrated with.

Tomorrow will be a different day. Tomorrow will be a different story. Tomorrow will be another change. I will love my family and be a better mother and do better by all of them.

But for today, I am not a good mom.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Probably going off the radar for a couple of months...

So, my life is chaos at the moment and to be frank, I'm in a really bad mood about it. We are buying a house and apparently, this house might as well not be mine because everybody else has taken over the renovation of it. I will get back on here once I get my chance to get settled into the house and make it the way I want. I may post pictures on Friday of the baby because we find out what it is! But other than that, I'm disappearing for a while because I have too much stress in my life.

Friday, January 31, 2014

New Year's Card Pictures

Our Christmas/New Years card was actually kind of thrown together. I wanted to get family pictures done, but our break went by so fast and I was sick for a week of it. Blah! So family pictures didn't happy.... But I threw it together anyway! Here's the pictures I chose for it!

Announcing our duo coming soon!
My lovely girl 
Our little peanut
My little love enjoying the cold day! Such a beautiful smile! 

Snowy days!

There has been so much snow this winter! My goodness! I am loving it, no doubt about it, but this beautiful white snow has made my stay here so much fun!

Post Christmas snow
 Tuesday's Snow
 Today's snow

I'm pretty sure this is the first time there's been this much in snow in 5 years. And it's so exciting! This state needs moisture so badly. Thank God for this much needed snow :)

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Life is too short...

Today is a very, very sad day.

My in laws are putting down their dog today after her fight with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). It's very debilitating in dogs and she's at the point where she can't even get up the stairs anymore. While we've known this was coming, it is still very sad to see. She is going to be missed!

Another reason today is so sad is because I found out that very wonderful friend of mine passed away. While he wasn't a best friend or something I kept in contact with daily, he was someone I would catch up with every once in a while and seriously one of the nicest people I knew.

Ryan was always such a happy person. I have known him the better part of two decades. We went to French, Sproul and Widefield together and I'm sure, once I get a house and can, he's signed every yearbook I own. When all the jerks at school were mean to me, he said hi. When I would go through a break up, he'd check to see if I was okay. I know he was this way with everybody, but he was truly such a wonderful person!! I know that although he is gone now, he will never be forgotten.

Rest well Ryan. My heart is so deeply saddened by your passing. You will be so very missed! Sending my love!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013


As I sit here in bed after ringing the new year a half hour ago, some things came to me that I thought I would share:

In 2013, many good things came to be and others bad. Nothing was perfect, but everything was mostly good. I found a new love for my husband and I started to really enjoy motherhood. I realized how much I appreciate my family, but also how much I took our space for granted. I decided that social networking sucks because of unwanted and rude comments. I learned that people get to me too much and that I will stick to my blog and instagram. I found that old friends are the best friends and that new ones can be a better shoulder to cry on that those I have known for years. I learned that my child and our friends children are some of the only ones I can actually tolerate while out in public. My friends children are so well behaved and Lilli is usually so good that it blows my mind that some people actually let their kids act like totally shit head sometimes. I learned to let some things go and to let other things change my decisions (like hairdressers.... long story). I have learned to cherish my husband more than I have in the past. I finally feel like we're in a really good place. And so many more things.
I learned a lot and I know that I will take things from 2013 and either change things or improve upon them. I am highly looking forward to this new year!

2013 in review:
- We moved out of the house we lived in for more than a year and it literally broke my heart. It was Lilli's first home (that she actually remembers that is) and I felt like it was my home too. That was a hard thing to do.
- That all happened because of Derek's deployment. The third one.... the hardest yet.
- Lilli suffered from illness after illness earlier this year. I think the move home contributed and the newness of a new bed and home. THAT was rough.
- I officially started my CBE, CLE training!!! YAY!!!
- I got into shape and ran my first 5K! HUGE accomplishment for me! On that note, too, I turned 25!
- Our very good friends got married and my cousin married her best friend this past summer. Such an honor to take part in their special days!
- My best friend had her second child and I was lucky enough to be present for it. It was a huge honor!
- My hubby celebrated his 26th birthday and officially sent him on his way to 30 (I get to gloat since he's teased me about being a baby for YEARS).
- My grandma had a stroke. While it was mild and she is home and recovering quite well, it was very scary and I am blessed that it wasn't worse and she is still around.
- I made a new friend. Julie has been so wonderful and fun!
- I watched 5 babies come into this world. All wonderful and perfect. It was the biggest blessing!
- On that note, I found the most wonderful mentor and I am forever grateful to her for allowing me to spend so much time learning from her. Candace is the best doula yet!
- After a very long and tedious deployment, Derek came home in October.  The joy and completeness I felt that my family was whole is always a feeling I cherish.
- I traded in my Jeep... the vehicle I was CONVINCED I would keep forever was replaced with a truck. While it was more of a need than a want, I still miss my Jeep from time to time.
- I spent 2 weeks in El Paso with my love. I also learned that I am beyond ready to move away from there.
- We got orders to Carson!!!! YAY!!!!! Well, kind of. I didn't want to be here, but in the long run, I think it will be nice to have babysitters, help and family to rely on.
- I came home from El Paso and got the worst chest cold ever.... pooey, but I'm glad it's over with.
- We got to spend Christmas with our families this year!
- And on that note, we also found out that we're expecting again in August of this year!! (Hence why that cold sucked so bad... because I couldn't take ANYTHING!)

So, 2014, I have high hopes that you'll bring us joys and excitement and that any letdowns are minor. I pray that we all have good health and that we bring a healthy baby into this world while raising a respectful, wonderful daughter before him or her. I also wish good health, prosperity and happiness to all my friends and family!


Saturday, November 23, 2013

Derek's Homecoming

Derek came home on October 22nd at 9:10pm. Lilli and I drove allllllll day that day and then had a crazy night once we got there!

For starters, the night before we left, I had stomach issues. I've been dealing with stomach issues for a while now where I get really bad GERD (nausea, heartburn, vomiting, sore throat because of stomach acid), but it's only on the rare occasions I don't regularly take my Nexium. But of course, the night before we left I was up a majority of the night with stomach aches and nausea... it would figure! So I got on the road later than I wanted and we had to make a few stops along the way because of my stomach issues. Once we got into El Paso, it was chaos. I had to get my car inspected since it wasn't up to date and I wanted to run to the store to get a few things.

Originally Derek was scheduled to come in at 9:00 that night and then it was changed to 11:15 that night. Naturally I thought with the time change, I had plenty of time to get everything done. Not. So. Much. Bear with the long story! I got into El Paso around 6:00. We went straight to the hotel, of course, and checked in. I give the guy my card, I sign the sheet and as he's getting my key ready, he says, "Oh, sorry to mention this now, but our boiler is out and we won't have warm water until around 11 am tomorrow." I was kind of mad about it, but it wasn't a big deal, I could suck it up. Well, I got up to the room and got all our expensive electronics in the room and I instantly smelled cigarette nastiness. I had booked a smoking free room... Needless to say I was pissed, but I figured I could get the car inspected and deal with it later.

At 7:00 when I finally got to Pep Boys, our friend text me to make sure Derek was still getting in at 11:15. So I double checked online just to make sure he was. Wouldn't you know it, the time said 9:00 again!! I needed to shower and get ready and I was supposed to be waiting for 40 minutes at Pep Boys. So I asked the guys at Pep Boys if I could just cancel my inspection because of the circumstances and they rushed it for me (super nice of them, too). But on the drive back to the hotel, I remembered that there was no hot water!! So I went to the front desk and asked for a refund because of the smoke and water. They did refund me, but they were reluctant. Regardless, I went to another hotel and it was a mad dash to get moving.

I was supposed to leave at 8:00 to head to the airfield. I figured it would allow enough time to get there, grab Lilli some food and grab myself something to drink from the shopette.... It was 8:00 by the time I got in the shower at the other hotel room! Needless to say, between Lilli and myself, we were running to get ready and get out the door. I got to the airfield, half wet hair and the worst make up job ever, around 8:55 that night. We made it just in time to see him land! It was a magical moment and I was on the verge of tears the whole time just anticipating him in my arms. We saw him get off the plane and then waited about 30 minutes after for him to turn in his weapon and do in processing. When we finally did see him.... words cannot explain the joy! Here's the pictures from that day. We are so relieved and happy that he is home :)

Watching the plane come in!
Waving to the fellow soldiers coming home
Our outfits for daddy's homecoming!
Lilli just trying to be patient
She was so tired and cranky. But she is so pretty!
Love these sweet hugs!
Looking at the cool ceiling and her reflection.
She was spent. She wanted to go home.
They were finally released!
Lilli and dada's first hug!
So attached from that moment on.
I finally got my kisses and hug!
So much relief and joy all at the same time.
Hugging with a death grip, haha!

Our family, finally complete (and a grumpy child who didn't want to take the picture :)