Our Christmas/New Years card was actually kind of thrown together. I wanted to get family pictures done, but our break went by so fast and I was sick for a week of it. Blah! So family pictures didn't happy.... But I threw it together anyway! Here's the pictures I chose for it!
Announcing our duo coming soon!
My lovely girl
Our little peanut
My little love enjoying the cold day! Such a beautiful smile!
When I was 18, I got the best advice in the world. It was from a now ex-boyfriend, then a friend. He wasn't much older than me, but he had a very valid point.
Now as I am watching an old high school acquaintance go through a tough relationship decision, I think back to that time when my ex made strides to help me get out of the toxic relationship I was in.
It was June of '07. I was 18, almost 19 years old and I was trying to make a decision on the relationship I was in. Emotionally, I had been disconnected for almost a year. I didn't love this person. I didn't like how he treated me. I had since found a man who I knew would love me (plot twist! He's now my husband, but that's a different story...) and I was changing from the person I used to be in high school. This guy I had been with for almost three years was really a jerk. He used me for rides, to buy him food, to pay for stupid things (because apparently I made more money than he did), I was a "convenience girlfriend" as I like to call it and he was a cheater, liar and scammer. It was about 3 months prior when I knew I was done. Due to an upcoming wedding I held off, but he was a crappy person to try and get rid of. He tried to guilt trip me left and right and he would seriously blow up my phone until 3:00 am with his bullcrap. He tried to involve my family and his. He would try anything to keep up this catered lifestyle he was so accustomed to.
So anyway, I was really trying to find a way to end things. I wanted the final words to just come to me. But every time I did, he weaseled his way out of it. He would end the call or hang up on me. He would just not answer. He would send me flowers or some other stupid object of nothingness that I would just throw away. I should mention he was on the west side of the state while I was here.
But one day, I came to work mad. I wanted out and I was going to do it, but I just needed to find a way. I was talking to this ex of mine at work that night. He had the night off, but came in for dinner. So we were talking after my shift and he said to me, "come over to my place tonight and I'll make the meanest turkey sandwich you've ever had. I think you need someone to talk to." So I did. After I ran home and changed (trust me, nobody likes Outback clothes after they've been to work... gross), I went to his house. He lived with another coworker of mine and we all sat down and talked about my situation. I explained everything to them, from the mean and emotional stuff he'd done, to the avoiding the impending breakup. And as I'm sitting there talking to these guys I worked with, who should call, but my breakup avoiding boyfriend! It was late, around midnight, and I remember looking at my phone and rolling my eyes in annoyance that he had called. So I just silenced it and let it ring. I then proceeded to silence my phone for the rest of the night. I looked up in tears at my ex and just shook my head in frustration. He knew I was done with my boyfriend. So his roommate got up to grab me a beer and as he walked out, my ex looked at me and said, "Alicia, you're supposed to be excited to answer the phone for the person you love or you're dating. You should be excited to talk to them. If you dread talking to them or being with them, then why are you still with them?"
I didn't think much at the time. I just remember telling him that I was done, he was just a weasel. I drank my beer with these coworkers, thanked them for the beer and the time, and I left their house with a lot on my mind. When I got home that night, I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking about ways to breakup with this jerk of a boyfriend. How? When? Why hadn't I? And then my ex's words hit me. Why. Why hadn't I broken up with him. I wanted to. I knew I had to. But why hadn't I?
The next day, because OF COURSE the jerk didn't want to talk on the phone, I broke up with him in a way that even I consider horrible. But he had no choice. I was ending this once and for all. My ex had given me the motivation I needed. I was done. I sent him a text. I remember it clearly. It was like freedom in a text message. I said, "I know you've been avoiding this, but I'm done waiting. I am done with this "relationship". I can't do this emotional roller coaster, this abusive, off and on relationship. I am done with us and I am breaking up with you. You'll be in town this weekend. I will gladly come get my things and then we will be done." He tried calling me after that! I was at work, so he called my work and started to yell and whine, scream and boss me around. So I told him that he had no choice. I was done. He needed to quit harassing me at my job and on my phone or I would call the police. He hung up. We never spoke on the phone again. I was free.
I look back at that dark place in my life every now and again. I was done, but I had the leech attached to me. I guess the main reason why I didn't just end things sooner was because I was trying to be an honorable person and do it in a respectful way. It took my ex's comment to realize that this relationship wasn't honorable nor respectful and if I wanted it to end, I had to make it end. So I broke my honor and respect and I broke up with him in the only way I knew I could. It was the only way I could get his attention 100%. But after that day, I felt freer than I had in years. I knew that he would never set me back again. I got my stuff back and I told him that he could never count on being together again. I told him that if it was my choice, I would have broken up with him after our first week together, I should have listened to my gut then.
And now I see my friend on Facebook going through this similar situation. Hers is a bit different because they are so involved. But like I told her, if you dread being with him, then why are you still with him? I hope that her situation ends well. Whether they work things out or split up, I hope she gets the happiness she deserves. I may not like my ex now, but I am grateful for those words he gave me almost 8 years ago. He'll probably never know the impact he made when we were still friends. Either way, I am beyond grateful for it.
My in laws are putting down their dog today after her fight with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). It's very debilitating in dogs and she's at the point where she can't even get up the stairs anymore. While we've known this was coming, it is still very sad to see. She is going to be missed!
Another reason today is so sad is because I found out that very wonderful friend of mine passed away. While he wasn't a best friend or something I kept in contact with daily, he was someone I would catch up with every once in a while and seriously one of the nicest people I knew.
Ryan was always such a happy person. I have known him the better part of two decades. We went to French, Sproul and Widefield together and I'm sure, once I get a house and can, he's signed every yearbook I own. When all the jerks at school were mean to me, he said hi. When I would go through a break up, he'd check to see if I was okay. I know he was this way with everybody, but he was truly such a wonderful person!! I know that although he is gone now, he will never be forgotten.
Rest well Ryan. My heart is so deeply saddened by your passing. You will be so very missed! Sending my love!
As I sit here in bed after ringing the new year a half hour ago, some things came to me that I thought I would share:
In 2013, many good things came to be and others bad. Nothing was perfect, but everything was mostly good. I found a new love for my husband and I started to really enjoy motherhood. I realized how much I appreciate my family, but also how much I took our space for granted. I decided that social networking sucks because of unwanted and rude comments. I learned that people get to me too much and that I will stick to my blog and instagram. I found that old friends are the best friends and that new ones can be a better shoulder to cry on that those I have known for years. I learned that my child and our friends children are some of the only ones I can actually tolerate while out in public. My friends children are so well behaved and Lilli is usually so good that it blows my mind that some people actually let their kids act like totally shit head sometimes. I learned to let some things go and to let other things change my decisions (like hairdressers.... long story). I have learned to cherish my husband more than I have in the past. I finally feel like we're in a really good place. And so many more things.
I learned a lot and I know that I will take things from 2013 and either change things or improve upon them. I am highly looking forward to this new year!
2013 in review:
- We moved out of the house we lived in for more than a year and it literally broke my heart. It was Lilli's first home (that she actually remembers that is) and I felt like it was my home too. That was a hard thing to do.
- That all happened because of Derek's deployment. The third one.... the hardest yet.
- Lilli suffered from illness after illness earlier this year. I think the move home contributed and the newness of a new bed and home. THAT was rough.
- I officially started my CBE, CLE training!!! YAY!!!
- I got into shape and ran my first 5K! HUGE accomplishment for me! On that note, too, I turned 25!
- Our very good friends got married and my cousin married her best friend this past summer. Such an honor to take part in their special days!
- My best friend had her second child and I was lucky enough to be present for it. It was a huge honor!
- My hubby celebrated his 26th birthday and officially sent him on his way to 30 (I get to gloat since he's teased me about being a baby for YEARS).
- My grandma had a stroke. While it was mild and she is home and recovering quite well, it was very scary and I am blessed that it wasn't worse and she is still around.
- I made a new friend. Julie has been so wonderful and fun!
- I watched 5 babies come into this world. All wonderful and perfect. It was the biggest blessing!
- On that note, I found the most wonderful mentor and I am forever grateful to her for allowing me to spend so much time learning from her. Candace is the best doula yet!
- After a very long and tedious deployment, Derek came home in October. The joy and completeness I felt that my family was whole is always a feeling I cherish.
- I traded in my Jeep... the vehicle I was CONVINCED I would keep forever was replaced with a truck. While it was more of a need than a want, I still miss my Jeep from time to time.
- I spent 2 weeks in El Paso with my love. I also learned that I am beyond ready to move away from there.
- We got orders to Carson!!!! YAY!!!!! Well, kind of. I didn't want to be here, but in the long run, I think it will be nice to have babysitters, help and family to rely on.
- I came home from El Paso and got the worst chest cold ever.... pooey, but I'm glad it's over with.
- We got to spend Christmas with our families this year!
- And on that note, we also found out that we're expecting again in August of this year!! (Hence why that cold sucked so bad... because I couldn't take ANYTHING!)
So, 2014, I have high hopes that you'll bring us joys and excitement and that any letdowns are minor. I pray that we all have good health and that we bring a healthy baby into this world while raising a respectful, wonderful daughter before him or her. I also wish good health, prosperity and happiness to all my friends and family!
Derek came home on October 22nd at 9:10pm. Lilli and I drove allllllll day that day and then had a crazy night once we got there!
For starters, the night before we left, I had stomach issues. I've been dealing with stomach issues for a while now where I get really bad GERD (nausea, heartburn, vomiting, sore throat because of stomach acid), but it's only on the rare occasions I don't regularly take my Nexium. But of course, the night before we left I was up a majority of the night with stomach aches and nausea... it would figure! So I got on the road later than I wanted and we had to make a few stops along the way because of my stomach issues.
Once we got into El Paso, it was chaos. I had to get my car inspected since it wasn't up to date and I wanted to run to the store to get a few things.
Originally Derek was scheduled to come in at 9:00 that night and then it was changed to 11:15 that night. Naturally I thought with the time change, I had plenty of time to get everything done. Not. So. Much. Bear with the long story!
I got into El Paso around 6:00. We went straight to the hotel, of course, and checked in. I give the guy my card, I sign the sheet and as he's getting my key ready, he says, "Oh, sorry to mention this now, but our boiler is out and we won't have warm water until around 11 am tomorrow." I was kind of mad about it, but it wasn't a big deal, I could suck it up. Well, I got up to the room and got all our expensive electronics in the room and I instantly smelled cigarette nastiness. I had booked a smoking free room... Needless to say I was pissed, but I figured I could get the car inspected and deal with it later.
At 7:00 when I finally got to Pep Boys, our friend text me to make sure Derek was still getting in at 11:15. So I double checked online just to make sure he was. Wouldn't you know it, the time said 9:00 again!! I needed to shower and get ready and I was supposed to be waiting for 40 minutes at Pep Boys. So I asked the guys at Pep Boys if I could just cancel my inspection because of the circumstances and they rushed it for me (super nice of them, too). But on the drive back to the hotel, I remembered that there was no hot water!! So I went to the front desk and asked for a refund because of the smoke and water. They did refund me, but they were reluctant. Regardless, I went to another hotel and it was a mad dash to get moving.
I was supposed to leave at 8:00 to head to the airfield. I figured it would allow enough time to get there, grab Lilli some food and grab myself something to drink from the shopette.... It was 8:00 by the time I got in the shower at the other hotel room! Needless to say, between Lilli and myself, we were running to get ready and get out the door.
I got to the airfield, half wet hair and the worst make up job ever, around 8:55 that night. We made it just in time to see him land! It was a magical moment and I was on the verge of tears the whole time just anticipating him in my arms. We saw him get off the plane and then waited about 30 minutes after for him to turn in his weapon and do in processing. When we finally did see him.... words cannot explain the joy!
Here's the pictures from that day. We are so relieved and happy that he is home :)
Watching the plane come in!
Waving to the fellow soldiers coming home
Our outfits for daddy's homecoming!
Lilli just trying to be patient
She was so tired and cranky. But she is so pretty!
Love these sweet hugs!
Looking at the cool ceiling and her reflection.
She was spent. She wanted to go home.
They were finally released!
Lilli and dada's first hug!
So attached from that moment on.
I finally got my kisses and hug!
So much relief and joy all at the same time.
Hugging with a death grip, haha!
Our family, finally complete (and a grumpy child who didn't want to take the picture :)
As I have posted before, I am in training to be a childbirth educator and lactation educator. Well, this evening, I had the privilege of attending a quick session with Lynn Leech, PT. She is a women's health physical therapist and she know anything and everything about muscles in the lower half of a woman's body. Tonight's session was about pelvic floor dysfunction and diastysis (die-ass-ti-sis). Of course it all related to the pregnant woman, but I think that in general, she has a very, very good understanding of women and issues they can have over lack of muscle care. I plan to buy a video of hers and I am hoping (finger crossed over and over again!) that I can get into see her for some issues I've had myself. This is all info I plan to give my students down the road!
I am so loving this profession. The women who are in are great, the subjects and topics are great, the whole concept is just so wonderful!!! I am so excited to get started and I cannot wait to keep going with it. I plan to become a doula down the road too!! Okay, enough excitement for me. I just had to share!!!